Chapter 38: The Sanctuary of Hibras (5)

[Sirien Eilencia]

“So, what’s the relationship between you two? Are you dating?”

“Wha-wha-what...what?”

“Are you two dating? Have you kissed?”

“Kissed? You shouldn’t say such things carelessly!”

What is this kid saying right now?!

A shrill noise came out of my mouth. My face flushed hot, and I fanned myself with my hands.

I wanted to scold this impudent brat immediately, but Razen just stood by with an indifferent expression.

“We’re not dating. We’ve just been childhood friends.”

“Ra-Razen is my knight. So-so... is it strange for a saint to be with her knight?”

“Oh~ I see. I was just curious. You two are always together, so I thought you were dating. Even when I first saw the saint, you were together.”

“That was because Razen was sick then!”

When I first saw Luan, it was right after I had made a deal with the guardian.

In other words, it was a time when Razen was in danger.

Looking back, I had been quite on edge.

I had even harshly pushed Melissa away when she tried to wipe Razen’s sweat.

It felt like I was surrounded by enemies on all sides, unable to let my guard down for even a moment. I feared losing Razen if I took my eyes off him for even a second.

- Don’t you dare touch him!

- I thought he was sweating a lot…

- I’ll do it myself. Move. If Razen gets hurt any further, I’ll never forgive you.

- Then I’ll bring some warm water.

It was just an expression of my fear.

I didn’t want to lose Razen again. He was my precious knight. My only friend and mutual confidant.

But they thought we were dating?

Does that mean others see Razen and me as a couple?

My mind became tangled. I couldn’t think straight, and yet a flood of random thoughts crowded my head, making it spin.

I felt strange noises in my ears.

The world spun around. I wanted to stamp my feet, but I held back, fearing it would look odd.

The sun’s rays suddenly felt harsh.

Somewhere in my chest. Or maybe my cheeks. Sometimes it was the inside of my throat that kept tingling.

Calm down. At least I’ve managed to cover it up for now.

Razen said we were childhood friends. I said Razen was my knight, so we were together.

‘Cover up? Was this something to cover up?’

I didn’t like it.

The child who had asked nodded quickly in understanding, but I was still in turmoil.

I felt irritated. I couldn’t explain it specifically, but it was annoyingly frustrating.

I bit my lip without thinking. It hurt. If only it was just pain, but I felt an unjust resentment toward the whole world.

The tree next to me seemed to mock me.

Should I just cut it down? Does it know that my only weapon is an axe?

An axe is a weapon meant to cut down trees. No matter how sturdy you are, you wouldn’t withstand my chopping.

Behave before I get angry.

The impudent, rude, and irreverent brat was a problem too.

Luan, who had messed up my head like this, quickly turned his attention elsewhere.

“Oh, there’s Aunt Melissa. I think she’s calling me. I’ll go!”

“Okay. Be careful not to trip.”

“Sure...”

Is he running away? Should I not let him go?

Razen let Luan go, as if nothing had happened.

I felt annoyed by that as well.

In the end, I was the only one who was agitated in this situation.

This made me look like a petty woman.

Razen cautiously stepped into my line of sight.

“Sirien? Are you angry?”

“Of course not. There’s no reason for me to be suddenly angry. Right?”

“It’s just that your expression didn’t look good.”

“How did it look bad?”

“Never mind... I must have been mistaken.”

“Yeah. You must have been.”

I don’t know.

I don’t know why I’m like this, or why I got angry at the kid’s words.

What do I want to be with Razen?

At first, I wanted Razen to be my knight alone. So yesterday, we held a private knighting ceremony.

I was happy. It felt like I had fulfilled a long-cherished wish.

The hill we were on felt like a cloud, and every step was like walking in a dream.

In that moment, my world consisted only of Razen and me.

In such a world, I felt I could live forever.

‘Why did I feel embarrassed when asked if we were dating?’

Being asked if we were dating obviously implied something. It meant asking if we were in love.

Love. I’ve heard the word often, but I don’t really understand what it means.

My parents were undoubtedly in love. You could tell just by looking at their eyes. Their gazes dripped with affection.

And they loved me too. I definitely grew up receiving love.

Both were love. The love between a man and a woman and the love between parents and a child are said to be different, but how exactly?

A night when the stars scattered brilliantly.

I heard something similar while sitting in my mother’s lap in a rocking chair.

It was when I asked how she and my father first met.

- We met at a debutante ball. We were already engaged, and I fell for him first.

- Really? What was Dad like back then? Was he incredibly handsome?

- Your father was as sharp as the winter wind. He acted as if he had gathered all the world’s chill. I don’t know how many noble girls he made cry.

- Was he like that to you too?

- No. I thought I was engaged to a scary man, but he treated me warmly. Since I was so scared, he always kept a distance of about three steps. I never imagined I would fall for those mere three steps.

I was about five years old then.

My mother smiled warmly as she looked at the sky. It was a smile that radiated cozy happiness.

I envied my mother’s smile.

I wanted to be someone who could smile like that someday.

- Sirien. Love is an emotion that can change your entire life. It can block your eyes and ears, make what you thought was natural seem unnatural, and turn what you liked into something you dislike.

- Turn what you liked into something you dislike... Huh?

- I thought the three steps he rigidly maintained were a protective barrier. I felt safe as long as he kept those three steps. But as time passed, I began to hate those three steps.

- Did Dad do something to make you hate him?

- No. Dad was the same as always. He was a very polite fiancé. I liked that. I thought there should be manners and dignity between a man and a woman. I still think so. But it wasn’t always pleasant.

My mother clasped my hand tightly.

Maybe because of that memory, I grabbed Razen’s hand too.

Razen, though flustered, silently complied.

Only then did the knot in my heart begin to melt away. It was absurd.

A heart so complicated and tangled unraveled so easily.

It felt like my mother’s voice was clear in my ears.

- After getting to know each other so well, I thought it would be okay to get a little closer. Not three steps but two. Maybe even one step. I hated the barrier that had protected me so much.

- So did Dad come closer?

- No. He’s always been like a stone. He was so clueless that I suffered a lot.

- You said that before too. That Dad is clueless.

- Yes. He’s really clueless. My heart was always fickle, but he never wavered. I wanted him close but also wanted him far. Still, Sirien. Hearts are like that. They waver and complain, and through that, they come to understand.

Sometimes, I resented Razen, but in truth, I couldn’t hate him.

Even when he called me a ‘childhood friend.’ No matter how Razen introduced me, I wouldn’t have liked it.

Honestly, Razen wasn’t at fault at all. It was all my childishness.

- The important thing isn’t your heart’s complaints, Sirien. It’s why your heart wants to complain so much. When you only see one person in the whole world, when you only hear one person’s words no matter what music you listen to, then you’ll understand.

- Understand what?

- Love.

“Razen, I have something to say.”

“Yes?”

“Well... I, I...”

“I?”

“You jerk, slow down a bit! My legs hurt.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Even now, I couldn’t admit it.

That I... that I like Razen? Not as a childhood friend, but as a woman?

That I love Razen?

I absolutely couldn’t admit that.

If I did, everything I’ve done for you so far would turn into a courtship and confession.

That can’t be. My pride won’t allow it.

So, I’m not the one who fell first.

Razen, if you confess to me, I’ll consider accepting it.

Just wait. I got you as my knight in the end. Getting you entirely shouldn’t be too hard.

“Give me your arm, not your hand. I’m tired, so I want to hold onto it.”

“Oh... okay.”

At that time, I didn’t know.

That even after more than four years, our relationship would not progress.

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