Chapter 34: I Hate To Love You, Diane

Chapter 34: I Hate To Love You, Diane

"N-no?" Diane stuttered.

Her lips couldn’t stop trembling as she looked at Gabriel with her wet eyes.

"Yes, Diane. No."

"But you hate me...you said you hate me, so why would you keep me with you? You said I’m a thief, will betray you again..."

"Because...you know, I thought about it over, and over again..." Gabriel’s voice was deep, low and slow.

"What is there to think about?"

"I wanted to destroy your life, to keep you under my leash for what you did to me in the past. I wanted to tear you apart and feed you to the hungry dogs, operate you on my table, leave you even bigger scars..."

"The-then why don’t you?" Diane lowered her head, and clutched her bag tighter.

"Because I fucking can’t..."

Gabriel took a step closer, his intense stare focused on Diane only.

His jaw tightened as he tried to control the internal struggle raging inside him.

"I can’t hate you as much as I want to, Diane," he muttered.

"And believe me, I want to. Every time I look at you, I remember everything you’ve done to me. I remember every lie, every betrayal. I should hate you. I do hate you."

Diane flinched but kept her head down.

She didn’t dare respond.

"But then..." Gabriel ran a hand through his disheveled hair, pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"Every time I push you away, every time I try to convince myself that you’re poison, there’s this... this pull. This infuriating pull. Like some sick part of me can’t let you go. Do you know how maddening that is?"

She remained silent, gripping her bag tightly against her chest.

"You don’t get it, do you?" he hissed raising his voice.

"Of course, you don’t. You think this is all just about what you did to me. The lies, the theft, the way you made me believe you cared. But it’s not just that, Diane. It’s me. I hate me because of you. I hate that I let you get this far into my head, into my life."

Gabriel stopped pacing and turned to face her.

"Every time I try to walk away, every time I think, ’This is it. I’ll finally be free of her,’ I see your face. And it’s not just the face of someone who hurt me. It’s the face of someone I couldn’t save."

Her head shot up, her lips couldn’t stop shaking, but she quickly looked away again when she saw the intensity in his eyes.

"I tell myself that you’re the villain, Diane," Gabriel continued, lowering his voice again.

"I remind myself of every reason to hate you. But then I think about why you did what you did. I think about what pushed you to that point. And you know what I see? I see me."

"No," Diane whispered back.

"Yes," Gabriel snapped. "Yes. Do you think I don’t know? Do you think I haven’t replayed it in my head a thousand times? How many times did I push you away before you finally turned on me? How many times did I make you feel like you didn’t matter, like you weren’t enough? And now, now I can’t stop wondering if everything you did, all the pain you caused, was just my fault."

"No," she said again, shaking her head. "Don’t blame yourself—"

"Don’t tell me what to do!" he barked, cutting through the room like a whip.

"You don’t get to tell me anything. Not after what you’ve done. Not after you destroyed everything good in my life."

He took another step toward her, his fists clenched at his sides.

"But then, Diane, do you want to know the cruelest part of all of this? Do you want to know what keeps me up at night?"

She didn’t answer, but the tears in her eyes said everything.

"It’s that I still want you here," he admitted, breaking.

"I still want to keep you close, even though I know I shouldn’t. Even though every fiber of my being is screaming at me to let you go, to cut you out like the disease you are."

Diane let out a soft, broken sob, but Gabriel didn’t stop.

He couldn’t stop.

"And then I hate myself even more," he said in a bitter tone.

"Because wanting you here makes me weak. It makes me pathetic. How can I still want you after everything you’ve done? How can I still feel this... this ache whenever you’re not around?"

"I’m sorry," Diane muttered, and her voice cracked.

"Sorry?" he echoed, a bitter laugh escaped his lips.

"You think ’sorry’ fixes this? You think ’sorry’ erases the years I’ve spent hating you? Hating myself?"

She shook her head, silent white pearls fell down her face.

"I don’t want your apologies, Diane," Gabriel stated in a cold voice.

"I don’t want your guilt, or your tears, or your sad little looks. I want you to suffer like I’ve suffered. I want you to feel the same pain that’s been eating away at me for years."

Diane flinched again, clutching her bag tighter as if it could shield her from his words.

"But then..." Gabriel’s voice softened, almost to a whimper.

"Every time I think about making you suffer, about hurting you the way you hurt me, I... I can’t do it. I can’t."

He turned away from her, running a hand over his face.

"Do you know how annoying that is? To be torn in half every second of every day? To want to destroy someone and save them at the same time? You make me hate myself, Diane. You make me feel like I’m losing my mind."

There was a painful silence...

"I’ve tried to figure it out," Gabriel continued after a long pause. "Why can’t I let you go. Why do I keep coming back to you, even when I know I shouldn’t. And the only thing I can think of is that... maybe I’m just as broken as you are. Maybe I see in you all the things I hate about myself. And maybe... maybe I think if I can fix you, I can fix me too."

Diane let out another quiet sob, but she didn’t speak.

She couldn’t.

"But that’s not going to happen, is it?" Gabriel said bitterly.

"We’re both too far gone for that. Too damaged. Too messed up."

He turned back to her, looking at her like an eagle, ready to snap his wings.

"So what do we do, Diane? Huh? What do we do now? Do I keep you close and let you tear me apart piece by piece? Or do I finally walk away and let myself drown in the emptiness you’ll leave behind?"

Diane opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.

"That’s what I thought," Gabriel said, frowning.

"You don’t have an answer. You never do. And yet, here I am, still asking the question. Still hoping for something that makes sense."

He let out a harsh, bitter laugh, shaking his head.

"Maybe I’m the real fool here. For thinking there’s any way out of this. For thinking I could ever escape you."

Gabriel took a step back, never leaving Diane’s tear-streaked face.

"So go ahead, Diane. Cry. Apologise. Beg for forgiveness if it makes you feel better. But it won’t change anything. It won’t change the fact that I’m stuck in this endless cycle of hating you and needing you. It won’t change the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can’t let you go."

Diane didn’t respond.

She simply stood there, with her trembling shoulders.

He was right.

She did ruin his life, made him suffer and took everything from him, but that was because she didn’t know who she was herself.

And for a moment, just a fleeting moment, Gabriel almost reached out to her.

Almost.

But instead, he turned away, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"This is the last time, Diane...The last time I let you do this to me. Because next time... next time, I might not be able to stop myself from destroying you."

"Gabriel, let’s get a divorce..."

"Huh, Diane... don’t you even think about divorce. I don’t hate you enough to enjoy your suffering, but I certainly don’t love you to care about your happiness."

With that, he walked away, leaving Diane standing alone in the room.

Source: Webnovel.com, updated by Aunomay Read